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This series explores what it means to be in recovery from an eating disorder.


"I had splints as a child, I was born at 1pound 11ounces, so I had bad nerve damage and it effected my digestive system, the way I walked and I went through so many operations for years they tried to correct this. I was at school with splints on, so that’s quite a big thing for a kid and of course I was targeted and that made me extremely vulnerable. I went through a period of being really badly bullied at school and I think I just blocked it out, I tried to get along with my life but I think it all might have come back later with this anger and need for control. So that’s why I have bad body image, it was pretty bad early on. Anorexia it was just a chance to control my body, I thought I can change this... I just got tired of the fight and recovery became natural. I think physically yes I’m recovered if that’s possible, but mentally no, I don’t think I ever will be.” - Sophie "There are some days when I will wake up and look in the mirror and just wish I could claw it all off. I wish I could get a giant dyson vacuum and just suck it out. Especially in the evenings if I have managed to eat relatively well in the day, in the evenings my body image is horrendous. Having a shower in the evening I find the most disgusting thing, I feel like fats everywhere. I do really dislike my body a lot of the time. I know its not really related to weight, I pretend its related to weight and I pretend that I would feel better about my body if I were at a lower weight, but I know realistically all I’m doing is trying to numb the inside thing by treating it externally which doesn’t make much sense." - Katie "I don’t think recovered is a word that can be used for people with eating disorders. Its always there, it doesn’t necessarily effect my life in the way that it used to, there are some days it does and doesn’t, but its always there. That thought of this is the first thing I’ve eaten today or that is the first thing I’ve eaten today. Even things like the glass of wine, the idea of it being empty calories, how do I feel about that. I still exercise and it never goes away, how many steps was that. It isn’t like it used to be. I still panic at Christmas, that sense is there. So I don’t think I will ever be recovered." - Alexandra "Pregnancy – at first it was a complete maze and spider web, I always thought by the time I got pregnant it definitely wouldn’t be something i'm dealing with. I think I thought I was recovered but when something big came up like falling pregnant you realise the control thing is always there.. It was like a war in my head.. you cant control it in the same way as before. Because you don’t know what’s the baby and what’s the rest of your body." - Fi "The biggest issue wasn’t heart problems, hair loss or weight loss the biggest problem is that I couldn’t stop thinking about food, I couldn’t do anything and I still am obsessed with reading recipes, going through instagram, and doing all of that and I think that is the biggest intrusion on my life, it’s the obsession, it’s the mental part of it, it’s the anxiety over things and I think focusing on the physical parts makes it this sort of romanticised thing and as if it’s a choice as well as if its just vain girls who want to be thin, throw tantrums and just make their lives hard for their families because they’re so vain but it’s just not the case. It’s 24 hour mental torture really and I think that’s the bit that people need to understand – it’s not just skinny girls... I think recovery is going to be getting to a place where I’m totally mentally recovered, where the obsessions with food has gone, just eating in the way that is intuitive and doesn’t come with any sort of emotional attachment." - Ava "Carrying a baby was really painful, with Dylan my eldest, two of my ribs cracked, because my body was not equipped, because I developed anorexia so young my pelvis never widened properly. So I had really complex pregnancies that were really hard and it was difficult knowing no matter what I did, I couldn’t make them not high risk, the damage was done years before. Being pregnant did make me want to get better, because I didn’t want to be unwell and I didn’t want to be a bad mum and I worried what impact having my eating disorder would have on my children. I had this intense guilt that what I was doing wasn’t enough. But it's so hard to recover whilst you're pregnant because you have zero control over what’s happening to your body; it's doing the thing you're most scared of, expanding way beyond your control.” - Hollie "I feel shame, I don’t really tell people about it, mostly because I think purging is really gross and it makes me feel a bit greedy like I don’t have self control over things other people do... I will have the choice in front of me, call the drug dealer, buy the crisps, I know this sounds like two extremes but for me they are so similar, I have the options there and sometimes I know in my head don’t do it. If you don’t have any alcohol or drugs in the house, delete all your dealers numbers, have your partners look after your wallets so you can’t buy alcohol at the shop, then you can control it but with food its like I’m gunna have to eat something.. " - Georgia ”the therapy sessions, I just found them more of an affirmation that I could keep doing what I was doing, kind of them validating that I had a problem was motivating to me..... when you are inpatient you don’t have the choice, so you can’t address the reasons why you do things when your not allowed to do it, you can’t say hypothetically I would probably restrict now... when I was an outpatient and I was left on my own, and things got more stressful in my life again, I just went back to old behaviours.” - Georgia "Unfortunately I did have three miscarriages resulting from the IVF the last one being not this April, the April before and the first one was on my birthday, that’s how much my body hates me. That was fairly traumatic for both me and my husband and I think once we had the last miscarriage I kind of gave myself permission to start all that behavior again.. the psychiatrist I’m seeing thinks I’m just cross with my body for not doing what it should and I’m trying to punish it.” - Emma "I don’t really know where it stemmed from i'd just been dealing with all these emotions and it became a bit overwhelming. Part of me wants to recover but a large and majority part doesn’t just because its kind of like a comfort for me and so is self-harm, it’s just an easier way to just direct stuff away from mentally." - Iris " I was looking at myself in the mirror and saying that’s not anorexic but you can't tell by the way someone looks and say that. I wish that I knew that anorexia was what you did and thought and not what you looked like because it would have saved me a year of being in bed. I suppose they’ve had me in recovery for a year and i've been willingly with it for only the past month, going fully along with it. I realised that I just need to get over my fear. One day it was like an epiphany, I just looked at my reflection and I was like I actually don’t care what I look like as long as I can go out without collapsing, I think thats what made me realise that nothing matters.. and that’s when I realised I need to get over it." - Eleanor “Being kinder and working on ways of being kinder to myself is the journey I’m on now. Healthy I find a really hard word because that was my drive when I was in the thick of it. So now it’s more about being kind and compassionate to myself. So it’s changed now to looking at is as a mental health problem instead of a physical problem.”  - Holly  "Right now I want to get better and I’m trying but it’s just so hard to try and to keep on trying especially when there are days when thoughts are so much louder. And I know people say when the thoughts get louder it means that anorexia is dying because she’s screaming even louder, and I understand that but it’s horrible to go through. When I was really deep into anorexia, it’s almost like life was easier and I have to think about things that motivate me and the pros and cons of recovery." - Ania   "There’s been points in the last 9/10 years where I’ve plataeuad in my recovery. Then theres been times when I’ve had to take the next step and be a bit more adventurous with my eating and kind of push my boundaries and my comfort zone a bit, which I think is really important in recovery... I’ve kind of learnt to tell people if I’m having a bad day or that I feel really rubbish so then I don’t have to show people I’m not ok and I can kind of challenge it in another way." - Hope