Milk — SOPHIE HARRIS-TAYLOR

Before having my son, I, like many other women, had an idealised but perhaps unrealistic expectation of breastfeeding. The images I’d seen tended to represent breastfeeding in quite a generic and non-informative way. I wanted to open up the conversation – not for or against, simply more honest. Letting mums share their story in the comfort of their homes, I hope it can give others who choose to breastfeed something to connect with and to feel a little more understood. With so much more open and honest discussion around the role of women’s bodies at the moment, now feels like the right time to discuss one of its most basic functions in a truthful and refreshing way.

"Nova had tongue tie for the first 8 weeks which made breastfeeding very tedious for me. He’d feed for very long periods and never seem satisfied afterwards. I was constantly questioning my ability and supply as well as dealing with sore nipples, exhaustion and over all discomfort.. I built a negative relationship with the whole thing that is hard to break even though things are better after his tongue tie surgery." - Thea

" For us it was really difficult at the beginning because Cosmo had a tongue tie that was diagnosed late. The only thing that enabled us was using a nipple shield. I felt ashamed to use one, and was under the impression that their use was temporary and only as a last resort. 5 months later we're still using them and I'm so grateful for them as they are the thing that has actually made me able to breastfeed." - Bella

"It would be great to be able to express more, it’s hard to find the time and a bit of a hassle with the constant sterilizing and then only getting 40ml at the time..." - Elodie

"You can go to every lactation class, read every book, have super long, teat shaped, perfect nipples and it can still be bloody difficult. The feeling of failure that I couldn’t get breastfeeding to work and having to exclusively pump for almost 3 months. I made myself sick with bladder infections, mastitis & nipple thrush. I really imagined myself as some earth mama that would breastfeed her baby until 6 months and beyond, I’ll probably always feel guilt that I wasn’t able to do that." - Lizzie

"Just the sheer size of difficulties that I have learned about. I think there definitely needs to be more education on what to expect and what can go wrong. There is so much emphasis on preparation for pregnancy and birth and so little that goes in to educating about breastfeeding. Because of this I definitely thought it was going to be easier that it has been." - Bella

"The fact that I made every little squishy roll on her body! That it’s a secret thing between us that I can’t put in words to anyone else. That sometimes when she looks at me when she’s feeding it’s like the first time she’s seen me and that slow blink and smile is the best thing ever. I love that even if I haven’t packed a giant nappy bag, I can still feed her, it’s just the two of us." - Misli

"I think the most unexpected thing I’ve found in breastfeeding is down to Raya’s personality. The images of breastfeeding I have seen always show the baby lying peacefully in mums arms, feeding away serenely. Other mums in my antenatal group say their babies will feed for 45 minutes to an hour at a time. Raya doesn’t feed like that. She always wants to be up and active and we often feed just a few sucks at a time, here and there as she clambers over and around me, milk spraying over everything in the vicinity as she pulls away just as my milk lets down." - Aisha

"I had no expectation that I would do it for so long. I fully intended to wrap it up months/years ago but my girl loves boobs and it hasn’t ever felt like the right time. It’s only once a day or so now but I haven’t really worked out an exit plan." - Alice

"I like to know that what I’ve been eating - all the nutrients are now being passed on to her." - Elodie

"Breastfeeding is messy business. My breasts leak, become engorged in the night and start spurting milk if I hear Oki cry. I expected breastfeeding to be much more straightforward" - Nicole

" My image of breast feeding before I personally had done it, was one of oneness and serenity, something that was naturally unfolding majestically, like a rose blooming in the comfort of its own garden. Fast forward 6 months and multiple feeds since giving birth, I can truly say its not so!" - Rosie

"I never imagined how tough it would be. Throughout my pregnancy I had visions of how easy it would be and how much I’d enjoy whipping my breast out in public without a care in the world. I never, ever thought I wouldn’t enjoy it. Whenever I thought about it, my head was set on breastfeeding for a year with a ‘breast is best’ attitude. In reality, I’m counting down the days until we can start weaning and I’m not sure I’ll even make it to six months. I’ve realised that ‘best’ is whatever makes me happy and relaxed because only then can I be the best mum to Nova." - Thea

" I am abundant. Free flowing. All nourishing. Even when I don’t feel like like magic, I am! Breastfeeding has shown me that." - Chaneen

"The most challenging part for me has to be the heavy ugly, uneven boobs. I just hate the feeling of being soooo full at times. I’ve never had big boobs and I find it uncomfortable" - Emma.

"I enjoy fulfilling Oki's purest and most basic need - knowing that all she needs to grow is my milk. I love the intimacy, for instance, feeding her in the bath and feeling her soft body on mine as the milk dribbles out from her mouth into the bathwater. I am grateful that I'm able to feed Oki and connect with her on this bodily level, in someway continuing the physical connection we had when she was in my belly. It makes me wonder at the power of one body to grow and feed another: to know that her legs are getting chubbier and she has the energy to play all because of my milk." - Nicole

" It becomes challenging when Yona-Gray has a growth spurt, is ill or there is a sleep regression. Then she is often glued to my boob, sometimes all night. I get so touched out. Nursing at this age can be challenging and I had to set certain boundaries. Yona can become very possessive over my body, almost disconnecting that it belongs to me. But she understands a lot now and we have our groove." - Anna

"I love the closeness of it. How our eyes lock, the skin to skin. I love that I can cure almost any sadness or outburst by nursing her. Breastfeeding also gives me confidence that she gets all the nutrients, good bacteria and antibodies she needs to stay at optimum health. Breastfeeding has also boosted my body confidence. I feel that my body is a superpower." - Anna

"When he was 3 days old, he was diagnosed with Jaundice and my midwive suggested expressing milk and then potentially giving him formula, even at that early point, the realisation that i might not be able to continue breastfeeding really upset me which I wasn’t expecting." - Emily

"During the first few days, I was really struggling with knowing what I should be doing but now 12 days in I have relaxed into it more, I trust my instincts, respond to Grayson and feel more confident in my ability to provide everything he needs." - Emily

""The feeling of being connected to him, intrinsically, like when I was pregnant. It brings me so much joy that I am his safe place and I can tell how happy he is when he feeds." - Bella

" Every day is a new challenge. At first she fed constantly and I was trapped, then she didn’t feed enough and it was a battle to get her on the boob. Breastfeeding is constantly changing and shifting every day, and I hope I can keep up with it for as long as possible." - Misli

"The opportunity to study her face, noticing little things like the shape of her eyebrows and the direction of her eyelashes up close. I love the determination I can feel in her tiny body as she latches on, something so primal and full of life. Her hunger is so immediate and all consuming for her. Determined to thrive, determined to survive and to grow. I find it a huge privilege and also a huge responsibility that my body is somehow creating everything she needs to live in the outside world." - Katie

"Raya has always been a very demanding baby, she has needed to be carried and amused constantly. It is hard to meet all her needs for entertainment but breastfeeding is one thing I am able to do to satisfy her." - Aisha

"When my milk sprays onto her face and she cries and won't latch on, or is too tired to latch on properly. I think that women in the West encounter more difficulties breastfeeding because we do these things in isolation, rather than in community. If breastfeeding wasn't mostly done behind closed doors, we'd be more exposed to it and therefore more prepared. I don't think society makes adequate public spaces for breastfeeding, either. I've had to pay for a tea to sit in a cafe when Oki is hungry and we are out. Sometimes I think we are made to feel that breastfeeding is a public inconvenience rather than a natural necessity." - Nicole

"Selfishly, I quite enjoy the fact that no one else can feed him but me. I enjoy being able to soothe him when he’s upset. Once breastfeeding became easier (it took a few weeks with both of my children) I enjoyed the chance to sit down and relax whilst also feeling like I was achieving something at the same time." - Helen

"I enjoy the intimacy between me and my daughter during breastfeeding. I like having her close to my body, moving her around so she's comfortable, stroking her hair, meeting her eyes when she looks at me distracted by other noises, then I say its all ok go on feeding and she does. It makes me feel very connected to her." - Elodie

"I’m her greatest comfort. Everything can be wrong with the world but she can curl up on my lap and find a bit of calm." - Alice

“And finally – having big porn star boobs and a cleavage for the first time in my life is a bonus!” - Ludavine

" Everyday since Sunny was born we have this huge unspoken dialogue with each other just around eating. As he grows and I try to understand what it is he wants out of each feed, I am amazed how each time its really just about us listening to each other more then I could have imagined." - Rosie

"I didn’t expect there to be so much of a problem with feeding publicly. Some people just don’t like the fact that I’m feeding my child and think that I should go hide away or just stay home, which I think is ridiculous, and I feel as though it should be embraced more in the public eye so it’s not seen as a problem." - Elizabeth